ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
