he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
