Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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