My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
