She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
