i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
