I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
