Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
