God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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