I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
