No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
