If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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