Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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