Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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