I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
