do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
