I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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