I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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