i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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