he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
