did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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