His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
