his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
