well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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