why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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