I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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