my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
