You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
