I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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