sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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