I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
