There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
