Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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