I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
