End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
