I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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