The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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