Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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