oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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