I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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