His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He felt like a one man threesome
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
