if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
