I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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