Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
