I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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