she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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