My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
