If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
