Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
