Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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