my phone needs a breathalizer
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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