based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
